One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.~Andre Gide~
I found this quote today, and it really got me thinking, about myself and about my life. Almost 6 years ago, I did the craziest thing I have ever done. Yep, more crazy than dropping out of school, or running away from home at 16. I completely dropped the life I knew, the places I knew, and the people I knew...the few people that knew me...and moved 500 miles from home- the only home I had ever really known- with this crazy,beautiful guy 6 years younger than me that I met and fell head over heels in love with. All I knew was that when I looked into his eyes, when I was in his arms, when I heard his laugh...it made me WANT. I had not wanted in a very long time. It made me want a life, where I was actually loved and appreciated. It made me want a family....something which I had never fathomed in a million years that I would have, much less want. It made me....HE made me, want so bad...that a 500 mile journey 2 months into our relationship, to start a life with him, seemed like the most logical thing I had ever done.
What we discovered when we got here, was that it was not as easy as we had thought. God knows the challenges we faced in those first months. A choice so hard to make, that it nearly tore us apart. An angel sent to us that helped to stitch my heart back together, helped to stitch US back together at a time when I thought all was damaged forever. Jobs lost, jobs gained....illusions shattered...and all of that was in the first year!!
I would like to say year two, or year three, or even year four went smoother...but they didn't. I guess neither one of us really understood how broken the other one was. Maybe if we had stayed the course that we both knew, and had not jumped into unfamiliar waters--well, we would have likely learned that stuff--the things that had made us so broken inside--about each other. The difference is, had we stayed with what we knew, WHERE we knew...I know without a shadow of a doubt, we would not have survived the tumultuous waters we encountered. It would have been too easy...too easy to run back to what we KNEW, too easy to give up the fight. Too easy to listen to everyone as they told us it had all been a mistake, and we were better off. Would we have been better off? I know from the depths of my heart, I would not have been, and I don't think my love would have been either. Had we known the trials we would endure through the beginning of this adventure, I would love to think I would have chosen this path willingly...but I don't know that I would have. It's not human nature to look at a fire, KNOW it is going to burn you, and bury your hand in it anyway. If I had been given a view of the troubled times, I would have run far away to save myself from the pain. I would never have seen the good times. Thank God my crystal ball was broken. Today, I would smash it into a million pieces if tempted with a look at the NEXT 6...16...26....56 years of our life together.
Our leap of faith, made us lose sight of the shore, for a very long time. A truer sentence has never been written. In the midst of ushering two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could be blessed with into this world....this life....we slammed up against rock after rock....boulder after boulder as we began to drift closer to the shore. At times I was the one trying to guide us back on course...fighting an uphill battle....and several times it has been my love at the helm of our ship, trying to help me make sense of all that has transpired, the things that life threw at me before I found him, as well as after. I have had the gift of watching him grow into a wonderful, beautiful man...a little less crazy, but just as crazy, in a million special ways. He is strong enough now, that the shoreline is rapidly upon us, that he can guide us, while I take a moment to catch my breath, to learn how to breathe, to learn how to let go. Learning how to let go...another risky leap of faith...infinitely worth it in the end. It's worth it,because I want to stand on the shore that we have worked so hard to reach, hand in hand with the 3 loves of my life, the 3 people I love more than anything in this world....and just breathe.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Love
Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~~Henry David Thoreau
I think I get what this quote means. At least this is my interpretation of it. When we meet and first "fall in love" with our mate, it is the fire that excites us. We wrap ourselves in the experience of learning all of that persons likes and dislikes, their quirks--all the things that make them unique to us. It's that initial fire that bonds a couple together, at least at first. Infatuation and lust drive us, and all other distractions lie forgotten in the path we make to our love at the end of each day.
As time goes on and we get to REALLY know that person, and they get to REALLY know us---the fire is still their, but the urgency of taking in all that they are at every moment subsides. In true love, that urgency subsides, I believe, because we realize that we have the rest of our lives to get explore and experience all that our mate has and shares with us. Everyday existence starts to encroach on new-love bliss...problems arise, feelings get hurt, apologies are made, promises are broken. It is too much to ask for both partners to be on the same page every step of the way....one is bound to falter. This is the time when the love you share MUST be a light, a beacon if you will, that will guide you both back to common ground, and the safety of each other's arms time and again. At different times in a realtionship it is up to each of us to be that beacon, the guiding light that draws your mate back to you, or that provides them with the safety to deal with the things they need to deal with so that they can fuel the "fire" of the love once again. This, in my opinion, is the stuff real love is made of...those that cannot see past the flame are doomed to forever seek it, and never find it. Those that can see past the flame, will find a light that is far more all encompassing than the quick burn of the flame could ever be.
I think I get what this quote means. At least this is my interpretation of it. When we meet and first "fall in love" with our mate, it is the fire that excites us. We wrap ourselves in the experience of learning all of that persons likes and dislikes, their quirks--all the things that make them unique to us. It's that initial fire that bonds a couple together, at least at first. Infatuation and lust drive us, and all other distractions lie forgotten in the path we make to our love at the end of each day.
As time goes on and we get to REALLY know that person, and they get to REALLY know us---the fire is still their, but the urgency of taking in all that they are at every moment subsides. In true love, that urgency subsides, I believe, because we realize that we have the rest of our lives to get explore and experience all that our mate has and shares with us. Everyday existence starts to encroach on new-love bliss...problems arise, feelings get hurt, apologies are made, promises are broken. It is too much to ask for both partners to be on the same page every step of the way....one is bound to falter. This is the time when the love you share MUST be a light, a beacon if you will, that will guide you both back to common ground, and the safety of each other's arms time and again. At different times in a realtionship it is up to each of us to be that beacon, the guiding light that draws your mate back to you, or that provides them with the safety to deal with the things they need to deal with so that they can fuel the "fire" of the love once again. This, in my opinion, is the stuff real love is made of...those that cannot see past the flame are doomed to forever seek it, and never find it. Those that can see past the flame, will find a light that is far more all encompassing than the quick burn of the flame could ever be.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Letting Go
~~You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present~~Jan Glidwell
I ran across this quote today, and it really spoke to me. It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about it. 2009 was a challenging year- it taught me a whole lot about myself and life, and it has probably taken me until now to even begin to process it all. The quote from above, feels like how I have lived my life for MOST of my life. I have a bad habit of holding a grudge- I can remember events in minute detail, and I have always allowed them to play over in my head, like a reel of film picked up and spliced together off the cutting room floor. It's never been a reel of the happy moments; it has always been the collective of the less than stellar moments. Times when people let me down, belittled me, forgot about me. Times when I made stupid decisions; times when others made what I felt were stupid decisions. 36 years of anger and hurt...the backdrop for my life.
I have FINALLY come to the realization that those moments do NOT define me; or I should say they can ONLY define me if I let them. I have let them, time and again. It's left me broken, bitter, afraid to trust, and on some levels, afraid to love. Well, I'm not that girl anymore. It's time she was laid to rest, so that I can be the woman I was meant to be. I've examined and come to terms with a veritable library of issues; I've forgiven those that needed to be forgiven, including myself. It's unfair to love anyone and still hold them at arms length, for fear of being let down again. I've done that to my Mom for as long as I can remember, I've done that to my husband, and I've done that to myself. I apologize to all of us, for the unfairness of it all.
I cannot say that the journey to bring the woman I am out of her shell will be without falter. I am sure I will stumble-I would not be human if I did. But, in just this short time I have begun to identify some truths:
I am a beautiful person inside and out. Of course I can stand in the mirror and pick myself apart as I have done for years...but I'm not going to do that anymore. I look at myself now, and I like what I see. My husband has told me for years that I am beautiful, and I always discounted his opinion. He was right, I AM beautiful, and I'm just getting better with age, both inside and out.
People deserve to have the slate wiped clean sometimes. I will never fully understand some of the decisions my Mom made, but they were hers to make and it's unfair to dwell on them. We have the potential to have a great relationship but I have purposefully kept her at a distance in many respects, because of anger over the way she handled things. I'm not going to do that anymore, because one day she will be gone, and I know I will regret it horribly.
I love my husband for the man he is NOW. He is purely amazing. The past is the past, and I have to let it die. I've been keeping it alive, once again, for fear of getting hurt. Yes, he hurt me...but I am alive, and it did not break me UNTIL I began to let it. I cannot hold onto the anger and pain and honor the man that I am in love with; doing that will never let him become who he was meant to be. I also cannot become the woman I AM meant to be by dragging all of that baggage around behind me- so I am setting it beside the fork in the road that is in front of me, and I am choosing to walk down the path that radiates light and warmth...that baggage can continue down the other path, and I am sure it will be very unhappy in the emptiness that paves that road. I won't be joining it.
These truths are enough to start me on my journey; they are enough to guide me to the laughter and light of the family I hold dear, of the memories I want to make, and of the happiness that I always told myself I did not deserve. I DO deserve it, and so do those that I love. My story is a work in progress....to be continued.
I ran across this quote today, and it really spoke to me. It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about it. 2009 was a challenging year- it taught me a whole lot about myself and life, and it has probably taken me until now to even begin to process it all. The quote from above, feels like how I have lived my life for MOST of my life. I have a bad habit of holding a grudge- I can remember events in minute detail, and I have always allowed them to play over in my head, like a reel of film picked up and spliced together off the cutting room floor. It's never been a reel of the happy moments; it has always been the collective of the less than stellar moments. Times when people let me down, belittled me, forgot about me. Times when I made stupid decisions; times when others made what I felt were stupid decisions. 36 years of anger and hurt...the backdrop for my life.
I have FINALLY come to the realization that those moments do NOT define me; or I should say they can ONLY define me if I let them. I have let them, time and again. It's left me broken, bitter, afraid to trust, and on some levels, afraid to love. Well, I'm not that girl anymore. It's time she was laid to rest, so that I can be the woman I was meant to be. I've examined and come to terms with a veritable library of issues; I've forgiven those that needed to be forgiven, including myself. It's unfair to love anyone and still hold them at arms length, for fear of being let down again. I've done that to my Mom for as long as I can remember, I've done that to my husband, and I've done that to myself. I apologize to all of us, for the unfairness of it all.
I cannot say that the journey to bring the woman I am out of her shell will be without falter. I am sure I will stumble-I would not be human if I did. But, in just this short time I have begun to identify some truths:
I am a beautiful person inside and out. Of course I can stand in the mirror and pick myself apart as I have done for years...but I'm not going to do that anymore. I look at myself now, and I like what I see. My husband has told me for years that I am beautiful, and I always discounted his opinion. He was right, I AM beautiful, and I'm just getting better with age, both inside and out.
People deserve to have the slate wiped clean sometimes. I will never fully understand some of the decisions my Mom made, but they were hers to make and it's unfair to dwell on them. We have the potential to have a great relationship but I have purposefully kept her at a distance in many respects, because of anger over the way she handled things. I'm not going to do that anymore, because one day she will be gone, and I know I will regret it horribly.
I love my husband for the man he is NOW. He is purely amazing. The past is the past, and I have to let it die. I've been keeping it alive, once again, for fear of getting hurt. Yes, he hurt me...but I am alive, and it did not break me UNTIL I began to let it. I cannot hold onto the anger and pain and honor the man that I am in love with; doing that will never let him become who he was meant to be. I also cannot become the woman I AM meant to be by dragging all of that baggage around behind me- so I am setting it beside the fork in the road that is in front of me, and I am choosing to walk down the path that radiates light and warmth...that baggage can continue down the other path, and I am sure it will be very unhappy in the emptiness that paves that road. I won't be joining it.
These truths are enough to start me on my journey; they are enough to guide me to the laughter and light of the family I hold dear, of the memories I want to make, and of the happiness that I always told myself I did not deserve. I DO deserve it, and so do those that I love. My story is a work in progress....to be continued.
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