Letting Go

~~You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present~~Jan Glidwell

I ran across this quote today, and it really spoke to me. It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about it. 2009 was a challenging year- it taught me a whole lot about myself and life, and it has probably taken me until now to even begin to process it all. The quote from above, feels like how I have lived my life for MOST of my life. I have a bad habit of holding a grudge- I can remember events in minute detail, and I have always allowed them to play over in my head, like a reel of film picked up and spliced together off the cutting room floor. It's never been a reel of the happy moments; it has always been the collective of the less than stellar moments. Times when people let me down, belittled me, forgot about me. Times when I made stupid decisions; times when others made what I felt were stupid decisions. 36 years of anger and hurt...the backdrop for my life.
I have FINALLY come to the realization that those moments do NOT define me; or I should say they can ONLY define me if I let them. I have let them, time and again. It's left me broken, bitter, afraid to trust, and on some levels, afraid to love. Well, I'm not that girl anymore. It's time she was laid to rest, so that I can be the woman I was meant to be. I've examined and come to terms with a veritable library of issues; I've forgiven those that needed to be forgiven, including myself. It's unfair to love anyone and still hold them at arms length, for fear of being let down again. I've done that to my Mom for as long as I can remember, I've done that to my husband, and I've done that to myself. I apologize to all of us, for the unfairness of it all.
I cannot say that the journey to bring the woman I am out of her shell will be without falter. I am sure I will stumble-I would not be human if I did. But, in just this short time I have begun to identify some truths:
I am a beautiful person inside and out. Of course I can stand in the mirror and pick myself apart as I have done for years...but I'm not going to do that anymore. I look at myself now, and I like what I see. My husband has told me for years that I am beautiful, and I always discounted his opinion. He was right, I AM beautiful, and I'm just getting better with age, both inside and out.
People deserve to have the slate wiped clean sometimes. I will never fully understand some of the decisions my Mom made, but they were hers to make and it's unfair to dwell on them. We have the potential to have a great relationship but I have purposefully kept her at a distance in many respects, because of anger over the way she handled things. I'm not going to do that anymore, because one day she will be gone, and I know I will regret it horribly.
I love my husband for the man he is NOW. He is purely amazing. The past is the past, and I have to let it die. I've been keeping it alive, once again, for fear of getting hurt. Yes, he hurt me...but I am alive, and it did not break me UNTIL I began to let it. I cannot hold onto the anger and pain and honor the man that I am in love with; doing that will never let him become who he was meant to be. I also cannot become the woman I AM meant to be by dragging all of that baggage around behind me- so I am setting it beside the fork in the road that is in front of me, and I am choosing to walk down the path that radiates light and warmth...that baggage can continue down the other path, and I am sure it will be very unhappy in the emptiness that paves that road. I won't be joining it.

These truths are enough to start me on my journey; they are enough to guide me to the laughter and light of the family I hold dear, of the memories I want to make, and of the happiness that I always told myself I did not deserve. I DO deserve it, and so do those that I love. My story is a work in progress....to be continued.