A Risky Leap of Faith

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.~Andre Gide~

I found this quote today, and it really got me thinking, about myself and about my life. Almost 6 years ago, I did the craziest thing I have ever done. Yep, more crazy than dropping out of school, or running away from home at 16. I completely dropped the life I knew, the places I knew, and the people I knew...the few people that knew me...and moved 500 miles from home- the only home I had ever really known- with this crazy,beautiful guy 6 years younger than me that I met and fell head over heels in love with. All I knew was that when I looked into his eyes, when I was in his arms, when I heard his laugh...it made me WANT. I had not wanted in a very long time. It made me want a life, where I was actually loved and appreciated. It made me want a family....something which I had never fathomed in a million years that I would have, much less want. It made me....HE made me, want so bad...that a 500 mile journey 2 months into our relationship, to start a life with him, seemed like the most logical thing I had ever done.
What we discovered when we got here, was that it was not as easy as we had thought. God knows the challenges we faced in those first months. A choice so hard to make, that it nearly tore us apart. An angel sent to us that helped to stitch my heart back together, helped to stitch US back together at a time when I thought all was damaged forever. Jobs lost, jobs gained....illusions shattered...and all of that was in the first year!!
I would like to say year two, or year three, or even year four went smoother...but they didn't. I guess neither one of us really understood how broken the other one was. Maybe if we had stayed the course that we both knew, and had not jumped into unfamiliar waters--well, we would have likely learned that stuff--the things that had made us so broken inside--about each other. The difference is, had we stayed with what we knew, WHERE we knew...I know without a shadow of a doubt, we would not have survived the tumultuous waters we encountered. It would have been too easy...too easy to run back to what we KNEW, too easy to give up the fight. Too easy to listen to everyone as they told us it had all been a mistake, and we were better off. Would we have been better off? I know from the depths of my heart, I would not have been, and I don't think my love would have been either. Had we known the trials we would endure through the beginning of this adventure, I would love to think I would have chosen this path willingly...but I don't know that I would have. It's not human nature to look at a fire, KNOW it is going to burn you, and bury your hand in it anyway. If I had been given a view of the troubled times, I would have run far away to save myself from the pain. I would never have seen the good times. Thank God my crystal ball was broken. Today, I would smash it into a million pieces if tempted with a look at the NEXT 6...16...26....56 years of our life together.
Our leap of faith, made us lose sight of the shore, for a very long time. A truer sentence has never been written. In the midst of ushering two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could be blessed with into this world....this life....we slammed up against rock after rock....boulder after boulder as we began to drift closer to the shore. At times I was the one trying to guide us back on course...fighting an uphill battle....and several times it has been my love at the helm of our ship, trying to help me make sense of all that has transpired, the things that life threw at me before I found him, as well as after. I have had the gift of watching him grow into a wonderful, beautiful man...a little less crazy, but just as crazy, in a million special ways. He is strong enough now, that the shoreline is rapidly upon us, that he can guide us, while I take a moment to catch my breath, to learn how to breathe, to learn how to let go. Learning how to let go...another risky leap of faith...infinitely worth it in the end. It's worth it,because I want to stand on the shore that we have worked so hard to reach, hand in hand with the 3 loves of my life, the 3 people I love more than anything in this world....and just breathe.