Luke's Loophole's

Lucas, who is 4, is a sweet and compassionate little boy. He loves and is extremely protective of his little brother Killian. He is sooo loving towards the people he is close to. His teachers have told us he truly cares for every child in his class, several of which are developmentally delayed in some form. He loves his 3 cats of various ages and a gigantic perpetual puppy who will be 3 Thursday.However, Lucas, like many kids can be calculated and underhanded. He was fast on my heels the other day as I headed to the kitchen.I had to squeeze by our 2 year old, who was taking up the most highly traveled stretch of carpet in our home. Most likely I was on the way to get Lucas, my shadow, a drink when I told Killian that he should probably move or someone was liable to step on him. It was then that I caught a glimpse from my peripheral vision of Lucas making an about face and heading back in the direction of the the roadblock in the main thoroughfare, whom we affectionately refer to as Killian, or Bubba. I was to the counter of our kitchen when I heard Lucas say, "Daddy told you that was going to happen." I stood there dumbfounded. Had our oldest son just intentionally stepped on his little brother, and if so, had I given him permission to do it? You be the judge- I am still not sure.

A Risky Leap of Faith

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.~Andre Gide~

I found this quote today, and it really got me thinking, about myself and about my life. Almost 6 years ago, I did the craziest thing I have ever done. Yep, more crazy than dropping out of school, or running away from home at 16. I completely dropped the life I knew, the places I knew, and the people I knew...the few people that knew me...and moved 500 miles from home- the only home I had ever really known- with this crazy,beautiful guy 6 years younger than me that I met and fell head over heels in love with. All I knew was that when I looked into his eyes, when I was in his arms, when I heard his laugh...it made me WANT. I had not wanted in a very long time. It made me want a life, where I was actually loved and appreciated. It made me want a family....something which I had never fathomed in a million years that I would have, much less want. It made me....HE made me, want so bad...that a 500 mile journey 2 months into our relationship, to start a life with him, seemed like the most logical thing I had ever done.
What we discovered when we got here, was that it was not as easy as we had thought. God knows the challenges we faced in those first months. A choice so hard to make, that it nearly tore us apart. An angel sent to us that helped to stitch my heart back together, helped to stitch US back together at a time when I thought all was damaged forever. Jobs lost, jobs gained....illusions shattered...and all of that was in the first year!!
I would like to say year two, or year three, or even year four went smoother...but they didn't. I guess neither one of us really understood how broken the other one was. Maybe if we had stayed the course that we both knew, and had not jumped into unfamiliar waters--well, we would have likely learned that stuff--the things that had made us so broken inside--about each other. The difference is, had we stayed with what we knew, WHERE we knew...I know without a shadow of a doubt, we would not have survived the tumultuous waters we encountered. It would have been too easy...too easy to run back to what we KNEW, too easy to give up the fight. Too easy to listen to everyone as they told us it had all been a mistake, and we were better off. Would we have been better off? I know from the depths of my heart, I would not have been, and I don't think my love would have been either. Had we known the trials we would endure through the beginning of this adventure, I would love to think I would have chosen this path willingly...but I don't know that I would have. It's not human nature to look at a fire, KNOW it is going to burn you, and bury your hand in it anyway. If I had been given a view of the troubled times, I would have run far away to save myself from the pain. I would never have seen the good times. Thank God my crystal ball was broken. Today, I would smash it into a million pieces if tempted with a look at the NEXT 6...16...26....56 years of our life together.
Our leap of faith, made us lose sight of the shore, for a very long time. A truer sentence has never been written. In the midst of ushering two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could be blessed with into this world....this life....we slammed up against rock after rock....boulder after boulder as we began to drift closer to the shore. At times I was the one trying to guide us back on course...fighting an uphill battle....and several times it has been my love at the helm of our ship, trying to help me make sense of all that has transpired, the things that life threw at me before I found him, as well as after. I have had the gift of watching him grow into a wonderful, beautiful man...a little less crazy, but just as crazy, in a million special ways. He is strong enough now, that the shoreline is rapidly upon us, that he can guide us, while I take a moment to catch my breath, to learn how to breathe, to learn how to let go. Learning how to let go...another risky leap of faith...infinitely worth it in the end. It's worth it,because I want to stand on the shore that we have worked so hard to reach, hand in hand with the 3 loves of my life, the 3 people I love more than anything in this world....and just breathe.

Love

Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~~Henry David Thoreau

I think I get what this quote means. At least this is my interpretation of it. When we meet and first "fall in love" with our mate, it is the fire that excites us. We wrap ourselves in the experience of learning all of that persons likes and dislikes, their quirks--all the things that make them unique to us. It's that initial fire that bonds a couple together, at least at first. Infatuation and lust drive us, and all other distractions lie forgotten in the path we make to our love at the end of each day.
As time goes on and we get to REALLY know that person, and they get to REALLY know us---the fire is still their, but the urgency of taking in all that they are at every moment subsides. In true love, that urgency subsides, I believe, because we realize that we have the rest of our lives to get explore and experience all that our mate has and shares with us. Everyday existence starts to encroach on new-love bliss...problems arise, feelings get hurt, apologies are made, promises are broken. It is too much to ask for both partners to be on the same page every step of the way....one is bound to falter. This is the time when the love you share MUST be a light, a beacon if you will, that will guide you both back to common ground, and the safety of each other's arms time and again. At different times in a realtionship it is up to each of us to be that beacon, the guiding light that draws your mate back to you, or that provides them with the safety to deal with the things they need to deal with so that they can fuel the "fire" of the love once again. This, in my opinion, is the stuff real love is made of...those that cannot see past the flame are doomed to forever seek it, and never find it. Those that can see past the flame, will find a light that is far more all encompassing than the quick burn of the flame could ever be.

Letting Go

~~You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present~~Jan Glidwell

I ran across this quote today, and it really spoke to me. It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about it. 2009 was a challenging year- it taught me a whole lot about myself and life, and it has probably taken me until now to even begin to process it all. The quote from above, feels like how I have lived my life for MOST of my life. I have a bad habit of holding a grudge- I can remember events in minute detail, and I have always allowed them to play over in my head, like a reel of film picked up and spliced together off the cutting room floor. It's never been a reel of the happy moments; it has always been the collective of the less than stellar moments. Times when people let me down, belittled me, forgot about me. Times when I made stupid decisions; times when others made what I felt were stupid decisions. 36 years of anger and hurt...the backdrop for my life.
I have FINALLY come to the realization that those moments do NOT define me; or I should say they can ONLY define me if I let them. I have let them, time and again. It's left me broken, bitter, afraid to trust, and on some levels, afraid to love. Well, I'm not that girl anymore. It's time she was laid to rest, so that I can be the woman I was meant to be. I've examined and come to terms with a veritable library of issues; I've forgiven those that needed to be forgiven, including myself. It's unfair to love anyone and still hold them at arms length, for fear of being let down again. I've done that to my Mom for as long as I can remember, I've done that to my husband, and I've done that to myself. I apologize to all of us, for the unfairness of it all.
I cannot say that the journey to bring the woman I am out of her shell will be without falter. I am sure I will stumble-I would not be human if I did. But, in just this short time I have begun to identify some truths:
I am a beautiful person inside and out. Of course I can stand in the mirror and pick myself apart as I have done for years...but I'm not going to do that anymore. I look at myself now, and I like what I see. My husband has told me for years that I am beautiful, and I always discounted his opinion. He was right, I AM beautiful, and I'm just getting better with age, both inside and out.
People deserve to have the slate wiped clean sometimes. I will never fully understand some of the decisions my Mom made, but they were hers to make and it's unfair to dwell on them. We have the potential to have a great relationship but I have purposefully kept her at a distance in many respects, because of anger over the way she handled things. I'm not going to do that anymore, because one day she will be gone, and I know I will regret it horribly.
I love my husband for the man he is NOW. He is purely amazing. The past is the past, and I have to let it die. I've been keeping it alive, once again, for fear of getting hurt. Yes, he hurt me...but I am alive, and it did not break me UNTIL I began to let it. I cannot hold onto the anger and pain and honor the man that I am in love with; doing that will never let him become who he was meant to be. I also cannot become the woman I AM meant to be by dragging all of that baggage around behind me- so I am setting it beside the fork in the road that is in front of me, and I am choosing to walk down the path that radiates light and warmth...that baggage can continue down the other path, and I am sure it will be very unhappy in the emptiness that paves that road. I won't be joining it.

These truths are enough to start me on my journey; they are enough to guide me to the laughter and light of the family I hold dear, of the memories I want to make, and of the happiness that I always told myself I did not deserve. I DO deserve it, and so do those that I love. My story is a work in progress....to be continued.

Secrets

The service at church this past weekend focused on secrets. A secret can be defined as "something meant to be hidden from others". In life there are good secrets: surprise parties, a secret present, things like that are good, and not likely to bring harm to anyone. Obviously, the service got me thinking about the OTHER kind of secrets, the ones that can destroy lives, change peoples perceptions of you, or change your perception of others. Those are not healthy secrets.
The more I think about it, the more I belive that when one feels the need to keep something a secret they are not only trying to keep it from coming to the attention of others, but in some way they are trying to keep it from themselves. Ok, that sounds odd. Let me explain: When we keep an action, an additcion or a belief a secret, I think that pretty much means that we ALREADY know that its not something that gels with how we view ourselves, or how we want other people to view us. It's obviously not something that elicits pride within us, otherwise, we would share it with everyone we came in contact with. By keeping it hidden, it should strike us as a red light that the item/incident/behavior in question is not a cohesive part of who we are. By not being cohesive, that tiny little "thing" gains a life of its own within us. It's a foreign body, and I think that often our subconscious sends out signals begging us to rid ourselves of that foreign body, because it throws our internal equilibrium off balance. When we refuse to listen to that voice inside of us, it really DOES make us uncomfortable in our own skin. Thats what allows the secret to grow, and to fester, and the more we supress it, it seems the more that it screams at us to reconcile the two parts of ourselves.
My goal, and the example I wish to provide for my sons is to learn to live my life in balance. That means coming to terms with secrets big and small, and bringing them to light, even if its within my own mind. I want the me that people see on the outside to correctly represent the me that exists on the inside, and that means living honestly within my own life. It does NOT mean striving for perfection, because I do not believe that perfection exists. Maybe its a lofty goal, but it's worth working towards!

Fall is here

Well, it looks like fall has officially arrived here in Kentucky. The drive to work and home is beautiful, all of the leaves are such pretty colors. Kentucky really IS the most beautiful place in spring and fall.
Killian is walking so much now. He is so very steady on his feet and is getting faster with each step. He and Luke are so different in that. Killian takes his time and Luke dives head first into everything. By this age, Luke had already ran into the desk and cut his face and bit into his lip while learning to walk (lucky he did not bite THRU it).
Each day with Luke is an adventure, since he is learning things at such a rapid pace. He's very much a Momma's boy right now, and Killian is really enjoying Daddy time more so than when he was younger. Last weekend was their first experience at our new church (www.questcommunity.com) and while we were concerned, since neither boy has been in a daycare setting before, they both seemed to LOVE every minute of it. Luke, while he was happy to see us, really did not want to leave, so I know he will be looking forward to going again Saturday night.
Not only will Quest be a good experience for the boys, but I think it will be a great experince for us as well. It's not a "traditional" church setting at all, its much more laid back and less "preachy" than I remember from being a kid. Our lives are so chaotic, and we have packed so much living and adjusting into the past 4 years, that we think the sense of community and support will help us a great deal. Plus, they have great coffee and the band ROCKS!! LOL!

One-Zero

Luke informed us yesterday that he is going to start a band called One-Zero. He says Killian is going to be the drummer and he (Luke) is going to sing and play guitar. Makes sense, since Killian can't talk too much yet. Luke has become fascintated with the band Clutch, and the song 10001110101-Robot Hive Exodus. I'm a proud Mommy because Clutch is one of my all time favorite bands. Luke's little voice sounds SOOO very cute wandering around the house singing the song.
Killian loves music too...the boy LOVES to dance, and for a 14 month old, he sure does have some moves. Music makes his face light up too,just like Luke. One of my favorite things to do is watch them dance and sing when I get home from work.